“A Kangaroo!”
- Exclamation of drunken Scotsman who’s fallen bodily and become impossibly entangled therein.
Koala Bears
- Enormous aquatic mammals often seen performing at SeaWorld. Beware splash zone.
Dingo
- Reclusive invitee.
Box Spider
- Thin and stringy pubic hair growth.
Stingray!
- Stingray! Duh-duh le-luh le-luh!
Steve Irwin
- Manchester United left back of the 1990s. Not a fancy player, not a scorer of goals, but a firm hand on the tiller, Irwin earned the respect of the fans for his solid performances and his long tenure at the club. That’s Denis, isn’t it?
Ned Kelly
- Prototype robot, badly designed. Not even as good as C-3PO, who is Shit.
Big Crocodiles
- Seriously big ones. DON’T FUCK WITH THEM. If you put an elastic band over their jaws they won’t be able to open them, but there’ll probably be others nearby who will croc you to death. Not to be confused with a cockodile.
Billabong
- Fairly popular clothing brand. Clothes often strangely damp. It is believed that this is due to the ghosts of angry aborigines haunting the garments with their ghostpiss.
Australian Football
- Ludicrous joke taken to extravagant extremes.
Fosters Lager
- Export only: DO NOT DRINK! message found on Fosters cans (translated form the Australian).
Julia Gillard
- She seems good, and she is an atheist. Well done Oz.
Desert Frogs
- Eddie Guerrero’s distant relatives, who are better adapted to living in the sand than their Hispanic sibling. They show little intention of following in their kinsman’s pro-wrestling frogsteps.
The Laughing Kookaburra
- Very silly creature. Has little regard for propriety or for the feelings of those nearby. Most often seen around old folks what have done a falling over.
Duck-billed Platypus
- Feline that is frequently charged for the purchase and consumption of mallard meat served on a particular kind of tray.
Oystercatcher
- Bird. Catches oysters.
Cassowary
- Dinosaur-looking turkey-thing.
Moths
- Foul creatures.
Seadragons
- Like seahorses, but several thousand percent more awesome. Seadragons of Oz have been known to have battles on a grand scale with the Skydragons of Zeal. The SeaDs launch themselves from the water, steam coruscating as it hisses around them. They tense their long bodies to points, so as they hit the SkyDs they are utterly skewered, sending hot jets of bahlood all over the ocean. It is a cool thing to watch.
Fairy Penguin
- Benders. Ben-duuuuhs!
Great White Shark
- Evolved form of the Rubbish Beige Shark. Pants.
Sugar Glider
- Little flying squirrel/mouse-looking thing which glides through the air super cool. They are marsupials, which means they like soup from Mars. It is very expensive to ship it in, so they have signed up for Amazon Prime. This is not related to Optimus Prime, who is a Transformer, and not a megalithic online shopping source. Optimus wouldn’t involve himself in such an industry.
Bandicoot
- Popularised by Crash, who was a cartoon one of these. I liked the mask that went “ooga booga!” when you collected it. Ahhhh, those halcyon days; no worries, no concerns. Where did those days go? Now they are lost, forever and irretrievably lost. I am locked in the joyless world of adult life and I cannot escape from my responsibilities. They weigh me down like an albatross around my neck, pain me like a radio in my anus. Why must we live in a world which requires such seriousness? Can we not mess around a little more? Why not dick around? You can’t stop me from dicking around! Who do you think you are, you joyless Jerry Joyce. Heaven above and Tutankamun Almighty! I need to lie down and stop for awhile.
Koala bears and other small animals indigenous to Oz.
I couldn't be any less prepared to write about this somewhat criminal subject. Here's what i know: Koala bears eat eucalyptus leaves because they enjoy smelling bad.
That's not even true. Not to all of them anyway.
Yes my knowledge of the original tree hugging hippie that is the flat nosed bastard of an Australian bear is very limited. And as you read that sentence again you can probably tell that i am not in a mood to write about it.
Australia is a strange place for it's animals because next to the passive bark dweller; the koala, Australia is also home to the most deadly spider, Vicious snakes and the late Steve Irwin. Quite the variety isn't it?
My favorite animal from that region is a certain Tasmanian devil. No not the kind that spins wildly and eats fridges with ease. No, the Tasmanian devil im talking about is Hugh Tasmanian Devil, his father. He has an awesome voice and his love for "O J" (juice, not alleged killer) tickles me.
But that is not under the criteria of the title. Oz is not the name of the continent. Oz means Australia the country so Tasmania and New Zealand don't count so i cant even talk about the kiwi.
So im literally literarily stumped, which is a better term for writers block, though much harder to say.
But wait! Hang on there just a second. How can i be stumped when there's such an abundance of brilliantly named animals in that place! Dingo, Wallaby, DUCK BILLED PLATYPUS! Why couldn't popular culture have better names for it's animals? My theory is that we take things too seriously. Or rather; things that are considered and named using the english language are taken too seriously.
A dingo, wallaby and DUCK BILLED PLATYPUS would've been named: Dog, Deer-rabbit and DUCK-SEAL. If it wasn't for it's linguistically playful aboriginal origins. That's just my theory based on my knowledge/ignorance of Australia's cheerfully named critters.
Although im thrilled to hear and read the names of these animals I still know a mites worth of knowledge on the subject. Nor do I care enough to tell you what i think about them.
Other than their sooooo cutey-wutey they make me want to slay humankind... ... .
Then they can prosper and little wallabies can have little wallaby homes that the wombats can build because they are the kings of construction in the Ausimal society. Their construction company is called "Wombat in a hard hat" and they pay all their taxes. The dingo's own the casinos and they run the streets in their Mafia-esq family style, hunting in packs. Dingos are the main concern of the Kangaroo Government. The Emu police will enforce the law but a few bad eggs hatch and end up in the pocked of the dingos which slow down the performance of the force.
The platypus are often victim to discrimination and are rarely seen outside of the rivers. The bandicoot's are tycoons of the fashion industry, opening successful shops mainly selling torn denim jeans. The kookaburra's and the budgerigars are having not turf but tree wars because both are selling dangerously addictive narcotic seeds to all paying animals. They need trees to avoid the emu police. The Kangaroos who run parliament, setting strict rules through sophisticated debating and bare knuckle boxing rely on the saltwater crocodiles to run the courts as they are the only animal that no other would laugh at while they wore stupid wigs.
Everything is perfect in Ausimal society.
Like i said, i don't care that much.
*****
Adam Gilder
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