Nudity

Nudity

So in conclusion, I don’t think it’s a good idea to hold your breath and open your eyes when you’re swimming in treacle. Welcome once again faithful readers to another edition of the most confusing blog on the net. I am glad to see that you have returned for more, like little Oliver Twists of literature, begging for one more ladle of brain food. Alas, you will find no fish here. Or maybe you will as this month we delve into the recesses of the human form and take a look at nudity.

As we all know, people are naked. Fact. There is no arguing against the case that somewhere at this exact moment, people are naked. Nude, bare, unclothed, whatever you call it, it happens to us all at some point whether willing or under duress, whether we are proud of it or embarrassed. It is the natural form of all living things. We are not born with clothes on (except for that unfortunate fellow that was born with blue plastic gloves) so why do we deem it necessary to enter the world socially fully dressed? Why is it frowned upon in modern society to be starkers in public? It is not so in untouched civilizations, where people live in the forest and are blissfully ignorant to the price tag that we have put on our modesty. For we do not simply cover up as our ancestors did, in the skins of animals or the roughly crafted cottons weaved by parents and grandparents. No, indeed we pay through the nose for poor quality clothing with socially renowned names such as Hollister (who have a lot to answer for) and River Island (who think that tea stained vests are appropriate garments for public use). I know that social scientists and psychologists all have varying theories on why we wear clothing, be it to keep us warm, to distinguish ourselves from rival groups or clans (tartans are an example of this and it is good to see that the Burberry clan is still going strong) and also for mating rituals although some would call my Rudolph Posing Pouch more an accessory than an actual article of clothing (for what it carries I would call it a hold-all).

Many of you know this already but I am an avid fan of the Adult Interest Video Industry and due to this past time I have noticed a thing or two about clothing, and the lack there of. Firstly I would like to say, for those who are unaware, that it is not essential to be completely nude while having sex. Indeed it is not at all necessary to remove even a single item of clothing in order to perform. I have learned through my, ahem, research that most items of clothing can be merely moved to one side so as not to obstruct certain features of the human anatomy. But still, in 90% of cases, most of the clothes worn by the brave combatants are taken out of play. Why would this be the case when it is evident that these individuals are in something of a rush to gain entry? It got me thinking and I have a possible answer that ties in nicely with the time of year. The naked body is something to behold, perfectly precise and beautifully designed, they have been the inspiration behind many a sports car with their sleek curves (and lack of back seat or boot space). If, however, we were to see it continuously it would hold no allure anymore and we, the human race, would be at a deficit of one of our most valuable tools for attracting a mate and would be forced to use other features such as personality leaving some of us with no chance at all. Instead, we keep it wrapped up like a special gift because when a present is wrapped, even if we know what it is, we become more excited for it. Think about Christmas morning when you see all your presents. Even though you know collectively what is there, because you asked for most of it, you do not know what exactly is under each piece of wrapping. The same applies to the clothed form. You may well know that the woman that you are de-robing has two breasts that are of a certain size and a vagina that is properly maintained but with clothes on you can’t be certain what they look like in the flesh, so to speak. If you lined up a hundred women with the exact same measurements and stripped them off, you would likely not get any two the same. The excitement is in the discovery (an archaeologist doesn’t say ‘Fuck it, I’ve found one T-Rex skeleton. The rest will probably look the same). That’s not to say that you would not be grateful if you were given a gift that was not wrapped. I know a lot of people who would prefer it that way. But it would be a boring process, courting someone, if the whole time you knew exactly what was coming. And much like Christmas you may be of the mind to indulge in a sneak peek, just to keep your interest in the prize you so desperately covet.

To close, I believe all naked bodies should come with the following care tag:

The birthday suit, like all other good suits, is a special dress that has a time and a place. It is to be worn on special occasions, when the dress code calls for such an outfit. It must be kept clean and when not in use, it must be stored properly. It should not be allowed to get damp and it is preferable for it not to become moth eaten. As the suit becomes older, more care should be taken to protect its shape as seams will become loose and elbows/knees will become worn. The suit may be prone to creasing if left unused for long periods of time. To not tumble dry or steam iron.

*****

've had massive trouble with this topic. I can't remember who suggested it but i can say he's stumped me. I've done all sorts of things to whip my mind into shape to write this one. The only conclusion i've reached is that i should spend more time whipping my body into shape, as opposed to my mind.

I've seen the penis of each writer of this blog and they have each seen mine in return. It wasn't an accord we struck to level up our friendship, by any means. We've all just spent a lot of time together.

One writer revealed himself to me (and the rest of the house, visitors included) just by sitting in next to nothing whilst playing his playstation 3. Quite content in his own world which was called Tamriel, i think.

Another writer was under very emotional distress when i saw his winky. He was only nineteen at the time, I believe, and his hormones were as riled as his feelings. He is a very popular soul and had friends to console him. We sat him down on the bed and told him to punch his mattress instead of the plaster cast wall. The only way to calm him down it seemed to us was to make him hysterical. Draw out a laugh and reboot the system. Then, a perfect opportunity poked out and said hello. He was only wearing his dressing gown which clumsily opened to reveal his todger. So I said "Look, i know this isn't the time but i can see your willy, but." Which seemed to do the trick. He got dressed and went about his day.

The third writer has been completely naked in the same room as me and four other men. It was a Wales rugby international day and we were playing drinking games all night. If i remember it rightly, My friend and I were a little more reserved than the outright rugby fanaticss and we kept our trousers on for a little while longer. Until the words "Daf. I think it's about time you got naked" were exclaimed. So I did. And it was a Great fucking night.

So there you have three examples of gentlemen who were exposed and the result was happiness, if only for a little while.

I enjoy being nude. When it's warm enough. I don't make a habit of doing it. Especially in public. I think the last time i got naked in company I was told "Even you're arse looks happy". This information cheers me, although i've never looked at a sad looking arse.

I guess where im going with this disjointed post is that nudity is fun. It's innocent, it's empowering and it's free. You can do it anywhere. You always have the option to get naked and it will always make someone laugh, even if it's just yourself. I don't recommend doing it in a public event or near the police. They don't like it and they can do something about it.

Ok, so this blog post is a bit choppy. You're basically getting my thoughts as they travel through my fingers. So what im going to do is neaten it up at the end. Im going to give you a list of ten things you can do whilst being naked that you'll probably enjoy.

1. Exercise: Exercising without clothes is insane. Your body is more free to stretch, you can see your muscles at work and your genitals look hilarious whilst resting on the end of a bike seat. (With women im not so sure there.) Remember to always have a towel at hand.

2. Excretion: This dodgy subject i was made aware of by the show "Scrubs". While you're getting rid of waste, do it naked. It's just better. (It can be inconvenient)

3. Dancing: Yep, dancing. Dancing is one of the more fun things to do in life. It's excitement and energy is augmented by nudity.

4. Bathing/Showering: Now i don't know if you've tried this but cleaning yourself whilst being naked is not only fun but extremely practical. Every nook and cranny is ready and waiting to be cleaned when your in the nude.

5. Recreational drug use: Have you ever wondered why sports teams often increase moral and spirit by drinking heavily and getting naked? This is because drinking whilst naked is the bees knees.

6. Relaxing: Kick off your shoes, socks, overwear and underwear and be naked whilst watching TV or playing a video game. Your relaxation levels increase twofold.

7. Sleeping: Sleeping naked is something I don't do often, but when i do I love it!

8. Cooking: I know that Jamie Oliver is a bit of a twat, albeit, quite the chef. His original show Naked Chef is also slightly crap. But cooking whilst naked is just great.

9. Social Networking: There's nothing better than chatting with your friends, colleagues and peers on the old social networking site while you're naked. Do it and see what i mean. (Im naked right now)

10. Being Creative: I often play guitar naked. I also write stuff naked. I find that my creative ideas are never under par when im naked. My creative performance increases thrice the original, clothed amount. If you've hit a creative wall, get naked.

So there you have ten things that you can try, if you haven't already. I think this blog-post is my favorite last minute effort that i've ever produced. I hope you are well and that you are naked.

******

Put it Away! or How I Know that Bared Human Flesh in an Abomination

Good heavens! Scarcely can I venture from the grounds of my land, nor peep from the upper echelons of my towers without my oracles suffering a cannonade of unfiltered humanity. I cannot bear to see bared flesh, it makes my stomach churn with the violence of a child drowned in a storm. I must apologise for the strength of that analogy, but I feel it is entirely necessary to kindle in you an appreciation for quite how distasteful I find the sight of skin. Grargh!

Humanity developed clothing for a reason. It is because our bodies are hateful to us. The soul within the body is trapped, like a dignified gentleman bedecked in formal regalia forced to travel via a zorb ball of muck, carried aloft on a canal of effluent. It is clear in both examples that we are better than such things, and must strive to rise above of our imperfect transport.

The bodhisattva Siddhartha Gautama knew well this problem, but incorrectly identified that it is life itself that is suffering. Wrong, Siddy, wrong. It is our bodies which are the source of suffering. Look at them for Cruijff's sake! They are loose, sagging, peach hemp sacks holding on for dear life! The Sisyphean effort of the human form to defy gravity is a pathetic reminder of our imperfection and must be summarily ignored. Of course not everybody agrees with me, and those whose conclusions differ from my own are, quite simply, cretinheaded pocks.

There are even such fools as believe the human body is a thing of beauty!!! I have a mouthful of vomit simply considering such an untenable position. Beautiful, they say. Good spirits, I should fucking well say not! The droop of a breast and a willy's wrinkles and not things to be celebrated. They are things to be covered up, as all fundamentalists correctly know. However, they also believe that god created us perfect, which is clear nonsense. No sensible thought had a hand in designing a human being. Should we shit when standing, our excrement would travel down the backs of our legs, which is wholly unpleasant. A further example of the imperfection of humanity are the people who, most perversely of all, enjoy these sorts of things. People who would like nothing more than to have flecks of faecal matter in their eyelashes. Dirty dogs! It is horrifying to think that even if people appear decently dressed, it is still possible they are harbouring essence of dookie in the hair near their eyes, the eyes they are looking at you with. Cack. But I digress.

No, I will digress. Surely we cannot be perfect beings, how perfect can we be when in experiments run by Berrendium University, 98% of sane humans were unable to differentiate between an image of a testicle sack or of an elbow. What caring creator would copy and paste between two such incompatible areas? Not a cowing one! It wouldn't and didn't happen.

I was once so disgusted with my own physicality that I bit a chunk of flesh straight out of my arm, but this only succeeded in upsetting me further.

Cover yourself up!

It just occurred to me that you could be naked reading this, and it revolts me. I'm freezing cold right now and I'm wearing a quarter of a million togs worth of duvet. How cold must you be whilst naked? Very cold indeed, but of course you cannot feel the cold because you are being protected by Diabolus, King of Hell, who loves nudity because he is perversion. Cover yourself up or burn forever in angry sulphur! Get some wool about you for the love of all that is good.

It is an undeniable fact that all bad things happen when at least some part of the skin is clearly visible. The only human who ever successfully lived without sin was Breton Diarckaluuma who was born into a large hessian sack and spent his entire life in there, being fed by his parents who gunged porridge through the side of the sack. The only way they could tell whether he was a girl or a boy was asking him to provide a detailed verbal account of his genitals, which he did with undignified eagerness.

I had sexual intercourse once, and I was so ashamed with both my own body and the body of my accomplice I drowned us both in a vat of dimethylmercury where we both would have died had I not INSISTED that we be clothed in an Iron Maiden of kevlar. I patented this cleansing procedure under the name Nudity-Expunging Baptism. Whenever I masturbate I don't look.

Fashion today is like the worst kind of cooking, tiny proportions and inappropriately ineffective dressing. Just as a sprig of parsley does not cover up a big bowl of oats, so too is vacuum-packing yourself in skimpy garments which do not cover up your skin unsightly.

If my expert evidence has still failed to convince you, consider this, every single person in the history of the world who has ever died at some point had their skin showing. The exception of course is Breton Diarckaluuma, who is alive and well in space, hidden. Be decent and cover up your inane appearance, and you too could live forever.

*****

Luke Sampson

Dafydd Evans

Adam Gilder