The food that makes me shit terrible but i love it.

I haven't got a food that i love that'll make me shit terrible, really. But here's a true story for you.

As i sit in an establishment that serves food, anyone looking over my shoulder would like to read that i am not a food critic. In fact the people working in this establishment should be encouraged to feel the opposite feelings to the nerves and worry that would come with serving a food critic. A food critic will judge everything that's done as soon as they sit at the table. Is the room temperature tepid? Is there enough space? Are the chairs strong and comfortable enough? Will the waiter/waitress be friendly? Should i challenge them? Where's my fucking food?

At least all this is what i imagine a food critic does when entering a restaurant. I do just the opposite.

I walk in and wonder if there's any room at the establishment which is proof that i am a descendant of Mary or Joseph from that story in the bible. As soon as i notice a place to park it i mark it, dropping a hoodie or my rucksack on the chair. I rush to the bar and politely ask for a drink which i'll sip whilst mulling over the menu. Once i have chosen something that's the wrong side of healthy i politely order it and then i sit down, completely at the whim of the establishment. They can take as long as they like and have any attitude they want when giving it to me. (I might ask after 30 minutes) As long as it comes and tastes fine im happy. My connection to the establishment is then cut unless i want dessert, wherein i repeat the previous process. 

I usually have to spend a lot of time on the "mulling over the menu" area of my dining process. This isn't because im fussy. If i was fussy, it'd be easy. I'll pick the only thing i like: Ham egg and chips or something like that. Im not calling ham egg and chips boring by any standard. It just seams to be what fussy British people eat.

The truth is im far from fussy and i fancy everything. You can test me on that if you wish. I would try everything on the menu if i was rich and dined out often. This means the "what do i fancy" approach of picking food has to be thrown away and the "What will make me feel full" approach is adopted.

Have you noticed that everything on a good and tidy menu in a food restaurant is edible? And it's all fairly filling. So then i have to readopt the "What do i fancy" approach again and the two process' dovetail in my mind until i think "Fuck it, i'll have a steak."

I've always done this. It got hard when i had a girlfriend who got angry when hungry (who doesn't?) and i had to decide much, much quicker. The stress of keeping my girlfriend happy whilst not knowing what to eat was immense and it always resulted in my eating lasagne. Lasagne is delicious, don't get me wrong, it's just that it's very rich and on two separate occasions i rued my decision to eat the pasta dish.

You see, on these two occasions It wasn't just food with a girlfriend. These were dates and let me tell you, im a smooth operator when im on a date and i can make any lady as moist as the establishment's cake. 

Needless to say, at the end of the date, i was invited in and we put on a film to ignore. (I'll add here that we had been and item for a while and were comfortable with each other. Im not that terrific). Well with a belly full of lasagne that was now moving at unnatural speed, something felt wrong. There was a badness that was creeping upwards towards my neck. I saw no other option but to withdraw and vomit in the toilet, brush my teeth and hope she doesn't notice.

On TWO occasions, like i said, she had noticed and boy did i pay for it! I haven't eaten lasagne in another establishment but my kitchen since. Even though im single (surprise, surprise).

I am a terrible human being.

*****

Dafydd Evans

The animal i'd hate to be.

The animal i'd hate to be

Right after this statement, im going to come right out with the animal i'd hate to be.

Remember Shaq? Im sure i mentioned him on certain blogging sites. Shaq was my lodger. A spider that inhabited my room and i allowed this because he was huge and i believe he got rid of all the other insects that sneak in. We were roomies for roughly a fortnight before Shaq got a little too big for his eight boots and tried to kill me by wrapping me up in his web that he'd maliciously placed in my doorway at face level. He had breached his contract and had to go. I used the trustee pint glass and paper trick and threw him out of my window. That was roughly a month ago, now. 

My surprise made a swift appearance when i had a letter sent through the very same window, dropped off by Dragonfly Mail Service. (The DMS are always on time with no complaints. Most people are too scared to complain anyway.) 

Here's how it read:

You,

The human boy that for some reason showed compassion and curiosity towards my presence in your base. If you are reading this then The dragonflies accepted the copper coin i stole from your room. I didn't think you'd mind me taking it after i spun you a blanket for your face. Your base was freezing and i saw you shivering. I just wanted to help! But a spider has to get by so i took the coin. I see now that you are a hoarder and do not tolerate people helping themselves to your hard earned property. 

I thought i'd let you know a little bit about a journey i've embarked on since getting evicted from your base. The landing was a shock. Thankfully i landed in the gutter so it wasn't hard on me. I started to feel a little safe until it rained. Proper rain too, not just little rain that's big to us spiders. It was the kind of rain that drops slug-sized and saturates anything underfoot and over head. I had to run. sixteen steps i took before enduring the most embarrassing event ever happened to me. I fell down the water spout. DONT LAUGH! You've never experienced the sheer terror that comes with falling down a water spout. It's not like that bit in the goonies (Yes i know what your human films are, it's all you do in your base you eventless being) where they're whizzing through slides looking scared but actually having the time of their lives. No. It's more like paralysis in darkness with the added terror of gravity. I landed in a river which sent me down fourteen consecutive waterfalls, through a green shaggy field into a bramble forest. 

Plenty of food here, if you can catch anything in the humidity. My webs keep getting cut by thorns that are manipulated by the gale force winds. I had to move but i had no bearings. I climbed up as high as possible to get a better view of my surroundings. I reached the highest leaf and began to look. It was fairly bright now so i used four of my hands to block some of the sun. I didn't have time to rue that idea before a heavy gust took my half grip away from under me where i felt the freest and most frightened i've ever felt. I was flying. Spiders cant fly but they can feel terror. I landed but continued flying. My abdomen was squeezing through my mandibles as my flight became unruly and disruptive. I was sitting on the back of a member of the DNS. "What the bug?" He shouted. He then did a somersault and let me fall. After noticing my size he grew hungry. He caught me in his mouth which im sure is possible and mumbled "Im delivering you to my family, we're not going hungry tonight!" whilst chewing on my leg. 

This letter is a last request granted by an honorable Dragonfly named Feilong.

Thanks for our time together; the warmth and easy supply of food, even the company and good films. Thanks for the good, easy times you allowed me during the later part of my not so long life.

Regards,

Shaq.

Man, i would not like to be that animal.

*****

Dafydd Evans